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These Children of an Amber Dream.
let incenses light your way.
With every perfectly wrapped gift under our tree the reminders tally up against me and the ghost of Christmas future is there to promise that never again will my mother wake me up more excited for Christmas then anyone else, nor will there be warm biscuit sandwiches waiting for us as we shred threw the loosely wrapped gifts. In those moments we are children again, loud, exited beautiful children. I remember these times as I sit on our neatly made guest bed wrapping and addressing presents to my nieces and nephew my lips are dry in the cool air. I know they’ve already forgotten my mom their emotions are fleeting with flexible hearts it is however the one thing I am envious of; their ability to not suffer. I consume this idea while forcing back tears to address one pack to myself from my parents.
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So, my mom dead and she’s been dead for a little over two months now and this is the only place I feel like I can talk about her freely and not become overwhelmed with other people wanting to know more. It’s upsetting the comfort I’ve found in strangers how badly I want to be like them living among everyone not being anything notable or special. I’m drinking up my youth in anguish and exhaustion, its exhausting waking up every day and having to live through moments. No my mother and I didn’t love each other completely we fought and screamed and swore we we’re going to be the death of one another and now it’s funny how ironically she may be the death of me after all.
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So im going into my sophomore year of college and there is only one thing I can be 100% sure about and that’s I wont make any promises to myself or anyone else. It’s not that I don’t think promises are important they keep you from becoming wishy washy; however I’ve become good at breaking promises I even make to myself.

Immediate news:
I’ve started seeing someone new and his names Shannon he’s fair, sweet, and kind I can’t complain. He makes me uncomfortable how comfortable he’s becoming with me and my family and it hurts because I’ve been waiting most of my life to meet someone gentle like him then I find myself second guessing my decision almost wishing I was single again. Which makes me wonder as I truly happier when im alone because I don’t feel bound or committed to someone? He talks to me when I fall asleep, how I know this you might ask well…I started going to sleep but woke back up and he was just jabbering away then he said:

‘I know you’ll never here this though Santana because your asleep but I feel like “I love you” and I never want to ruin that because I know your so into the moment and stuff im scared you might not love me back, goodnight honey.’

So yeah I’ve been in awhirl wind of emotion and confusion because I do care for him but im not capable of loving him I cant even love myself right now not like I use to; In other news the people I have phone sex with have been dropping off my radar like flies now there’s only one left Albert Valdez and im most scared of telling him because im a huge crutch in his life as wonderful as he is he has this awful complex he can’t/won’t shake and as ok as he’ll pretend to be it’ll hurt him in ways I don’t think soft words and reason can fix.
And to add to the wonders of life old problems have made an appearance back in my life things im not capable of handling but as much as I hate being rude I hate dealing with bullshit so their just going to have to take the short end of the stick and leave me alone because I WON’T be in any sort of condition to be effective in protecting myself from them. This has to be good for me to a certain extent right? Making me stronger? Maybe im just becoming indifferent and conditioning myself into being heartless.

In Short:

1. Shannon loves me and I don’t love him as much as he wants me to
2. Im more of a wreck then im letting anyone know
3. My problems are a constant annoyance I don’t think ill ever shake
4. Im making no promises about my future.
5. There is defiantly more to come…
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I from time to time have flashes of inspiration of which I forget who I am or what I can believe in. During these times I can become very flustered and confused and for anyone who knows me losing control isn’t a real option for me. However I find myself afraid and in need of something that I can’t wrap my hands around it’s almost like catching smoke fleeting but present. I hear them scream out give her medicine, give me peace, give me time. As suddenly as these feelings come they go again reminding me that no amount of happiness ever occurs without its due share of justice. A sort of twisted validation for its services a moment of joy for three moments that seem almost heart wrenching to deal with at all; it’ll soon be time for me to go back to my home in the piedmont a place I find comfort and curse under my breath. Gentle Raleigh with its brisk waving trees and sleepy night streets I cradle in your bosom willingly like a withered child, with withered legs and a withered heart. Some who live there have blackness for hearts and make trouble for those with light in their eyes. The bitterness that rises in my throat sickens me and I want nothing more then to dash their brains out something that takes courage to rid the world of such ivy they could strangle the life out of the sky even.
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Im going to Peace College in Raleigh in the fall I mhave just a little over a month until I leave. Megan and I have composed a gloious list of 30 thing she and I have to do together befor the summers over. The list consists of:

1.Change our hairstyles
2. Camp out (double points if done in a Teepee)
3. Read 1 book that isn’t the new Harry Potter
4. Attend the Harry Potter movie opening
5. Chalk up a piece of pavement
6. Watch the sunrise on the beach
7. Skinny dip
8. Send something awesome to random addresses from the phone book
9. Drink lemonade in mason jars with crazy straws and talk about life and the old days
10. Play some sort of board game/card game in the bathtub
11. Make a craft together
12. Send messages in bottles
13. Make a homemade pizza depicting a famous painting
14. Make homemade ice cream
15. Have a picnic in a bizarre place
16. Go to warped tour
17. Cover body in fake tattoos
18. Shower in the rain
19. Find an abandoned building and actually explore
20. Go out for sushi
21. Build a sandcastle on a beach
22. Visit the aquarium
23. Make one gift for each other
24. Make a sandwich while driving
25. Have an all girls night: complete with pillow fights, girly movies and 300
26. Get a tattoo together
27. Graffiti
28. Create a time capsule
29. Have a day spent doing nothing but making cookies
30. Buy one new sex toy

Im extra excited about number one and thirty.
Have a great summer everyone :D

xo Santana

PS. everyone who want to play the "fuck with rays head game." leave me a message and ill leave you the rules

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: happy happy
Current Music: cute i is what we aim for

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Soicamram [7:04 PM]: oh,,do you also love huge thick socks,,yes?

Funnyest almost sexy think ever said to me
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So I never thought at 17 in the 11th grade id be begging for a kiss with no words even if my first one was like an over dramatic acter. These last 2 years have been something eles something amazing and sickly it drove me crazy how crazy you drove me adn now its a struggle not to even call you at 2 am in secret like all the good couples do. that;s right a secret so much stuff i could have told you that you would have never remembered, so many letters adn valantines cut from construction paper i could have made. Some one told me my tetor card said destiny was right in front of me and as wide as i open my eyes to even the smallest thing i cant see anything and i swear if it were you i dont regret not following it because your nothing good for the soul nothing at all

Love always _________________ <3
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3 poems and a short story later im still almost the same
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So as you all know i do my BEST THINKING just as im waking up in the morning when im the funnyist. SO i started thinking about the organ trail which was a very popular game played when i was in grade school so in blending the two idea of me leaving for WAHINGTON DC today and the organ trail and i've come up with



sincerely your Santana D.
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All I want is for everyone to get along for 4 days and 3 nights

Current Location: living space
Current Music: sierra cursive

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